Still no actor cast for the latest James Bond flick, but this morning I did read that he’ll be driving a Fiat in the new movie. I’m thinking about writing the studio a letter:

Dear Mr. Hollywood Bigshot Producer Man (or Woman): I’m writing about your intent to have James Bond drive a Fiat Panda in the upcoming Martin Campbell version of Casino Royale. I would like to respectfully suggest that this is complete bullshit.

Perhaps you have not met James Bond. He’s a superspy. He does not drive a Fiat, because he’s a fucking superspy. The man wears tuxedos pretty much all the time. This presents a problem as nobody who drives a Fiat—in the history of the world—has ever worn a tuxedo.

You know, while you’re at it, let’s just go the whole nine yards, shall we? How about James Bond driving a Hyundai Accent. They’re cheap; I’m sure MI6 wouldn’t mind dishing out the money. While we’re at it, let’s put him in Bermuda shorts and a Hawaiian shirt. Oh, and give him thick-rimmed glasses. What the hell, let’s just drop the superspy thing and make him a fucking paperboy.

Honestly, I think you people have missed your chance. You could have had Tarantino directing. You should have taken a chance and casted Adrian Lester, a fantastic British actor who can run the gamut from seductive to menacing and is, above all, cool, but one look at him and it’s obvious why you didn’t. Instead, you’ve been toying around with the rumor mills: James Bond will be played by Pierce Brosnan Eric Bana Julian McMahon Paul Bettany Pierce Brosnan we actually have no fucking idea, sorry. Look, if I wanted to get jerked around, I’d go on another date with that girl from the bar, just make a fucking decision.

My point is that James Bond is the ultimate escapist entertainment. Bond is the guy women want and men want to be. I don’t want to be a guy who drives a Fiat; I’ve got a Honda Accord—my car will be exponentially cooler than James Bond’s car. Nobody wants to go to a movie to see James Bond driving a Fiat, especially one named after an endangered species. His car goes underwater. It can jump rivers. It does not get a fuel-efficient 39.8 mpg (city)/58.9 (highway). Hell, you can probably go out and buy a Fiat for less than it will cost you to go see the movie. Plus, it really won’t be very interesting to watch Jimmy get shut down by the ladies because his ride is a Fiat.

In conclusion, you have no idea what you are doing. Stop wasting your time and mine.

Hugs and kisses, Dan