My Secret Christmas List

When my parents ask me each year for a Christmas or birthday list, I just direct them to my Amazon wish list. It’s a lot easier than compiling new lists twice a year, since I actually use Amazon to keep track of things I want to buy for myself. However, there are some items that don’t make it to that list for one reason or another. I’d write to Santa directly about these things, but I realized some years back that he was just replying with form letters (but not until I finally had so many brothers that two of us were bound to get duplicates).

Still, in the interest of maintaining the veneer of self-importance expected of interweb superstars, I have decided to share with you friends the list of things I expect to not get for Christmas this year. In no particular order:

Item: McSweeney’s t-shirt about working for the circus
Reason I won’t get it: Can’t add it to my Amazon wish list, and ease of list distribution trumps desire to get everything I want.

Item: Kid Koala robohoodie (with sewn-on design on front)
Reason I won’t get it: Only comes in girl sizes, and I’m not that secure with my figure.

Item: A neat leather jacket
Reason I won’t get it: I’m not actually capable of explaining my taste in clothing to anyone sufficiently well that I’d end up with anything I’d ever wear. Also, friends will give me grief for compulsively hoarding jackets.

Item: Onitsuka Tiger sneakers
Reason I won’t get it: Cool shoes are for people with narrow feet (but I’ll probably keep trying them on in the store until I convince myself that they fit). Also, see above comment about hoarding jackets, only replace with “sneakers.”

Item: A Wii or Xbox 360 video game system
Reason I won’t get it: Santa’s not made of money, you know.

About the Kid Koala robohoodie. FWIW, I think you would look fantastic in it. However, you should know that I wore acid washed jeans and a black Poison concert t-shirt well into this millennium.

Thanks, Matt. I’ll take that (all of it) under consideration. But I will definitely not criticize. I like shirts with stupid jokes on them too much to make any claims to superior fashion sense. (But in my defense, some of these should practically be required as a uniform in my line of research.)

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