The website for Cracked (the Mad Magazine ripoff you never knew existed, but which I read because I didn’t want to seem like I was copying 6th grade friend’s hobby) has an excellent summary of The 9 Most Badass Bible Verses.

Sure, Moses was a great leader, an emancipator of his people and a prophet. Most people don’t know that he also was the Biblical equivalent of Splinter Cell‘s Sam Fisher—a well-honed killing machine, able to slay from the shadows without pity or remorse. Martin Luther King may have had a dream, but Moses had a body count. You can almost picture the scene: An Egyptian soldier is wailing on a hapless Hebrew when Moses, clothed in head-to- toe black, drops down from the ceiling. Moving with cat-like grace, he sneaks up behind the soldier and, taking his head in his hands, snaps the man’s neck with one savage twist. As the lifeless body slumps to the ground, Moses lights up a cigar. “Well,” he quips, “looks like someone bit off more than he could Jew.” Moses later defeated the Egyptian Pharaoh, who, if we remember correctly, had been using Hebrew slaves to construct a 40-foot-high armored battle suit capable of launching nuclear missiles to anywhere in the world.

And that’s just the first one.

Also, I didn’t think anybody could actually improve on the passage where the prophet Elisha calls bears out of the woods to maul kids who taunt him for being bald—a favorite Bible tale of mine—but Cracked‘s Smokey Bear PSA does exactly that. Well worth a look.