The Ghost Hair of Destiny

Tonight, I yanked out a very thin, white hair—maybe a quarter of an inch long—from my face, right near my eye. It had been hovering in the periphery of my vision for days. After repeated unsuccessful attempts to brush it out of my face, I realized it was connected to me, and dealt with it. This, however, made me very bitter. You see, it was not the first time I have had to do this.

Mild physical deformities always seem perfectly fine as long as they are a sign of something bigger. A lightning-shaped scar, a couple missing fingers, even a robot hand that reminds us of our dark side—all of these signal something about our destiny.

I have plenty of weird scars, oddly-shaped lumps, miscellaneous aches and pains, and ghostly hairs growing from the area around my eyes and forehead. But where’s my frigging destiny? When people ask me about the mark on my neck, I want to answer something about an ancient prophecy, maybe how I survived a sacrificial ritual. “Partial thyroidectomy” doesn’t have the same ring to it.

But I refuse to give up hope. In particular, I hold Teen Wolf in my heart. The movie is about a guy who is beloved for being ridiculously hairy, and ultimately revered despite that he is a nerd. I will cling to this.

I still think that urination is the closest any of us will ever come to being spiderman.

Gen and I spent several minutes on the phone trying to figure out what the hell that meant. Our guesses included:

1. Something about an action figure I’d rather not get into

2. Something about peeing being like shooting webs

3. Something about peeing being the only thing Spider-man and I both do

A quick chat with Jordan confirmed it was option #2, above.

The scary bit was that he said he still thinks this. That means, somewhere else, Jordan is on the record that he believes it.

1. Something about an action figure I’d rather not get into

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

P-chew!

If we’re going to have an adaptation that allows us to shoot webs from our bodies, it seems most likely to happen to the part that can already eject large volumes of fluid (Note use of ‘most likely’ vs. ‘likely’). It would probably involve some sort of symbiogenesis with a bacteria that has colonized the insides of our urethras. Of course, now I’m remembering that the original Peter Parker built his own web shooters, and that in the movie they decided to make them an organic part of his mutation.

Jason, I say you make your own destiny. And by “make your own destiny”, I mean retcon a story about how you ended up with a mark on your neck and a ghost hair on your cheek. I cannot imagine a scenario where those two are not connected somehow.

I’m not done!
Don’t count me out of it.
My story isn’t over yet.
I’m not the son,
Of some Roman god,
But anyway,
I think I’m gonna be OK.

-Ookla the Mok