Like Jason, I’m still working taking my first steps in the larger world of GTA IV. This being my first Grand Theft Auto game, I thought I’d share with you some of the valuable wisdom that I’ve stolen along the way, just like many a sweet ride.
Women don’t seem to care if you pick them up on a date in one car, then mysteriously take them home in a cab.
Virtual people don’t know how to drive either.
Running red lights and driving the wrong way down a street are both fine, as far the cops. But do not, for the love of all that is good and holy, so much as nudge a cruiser with your car, or you are a wanted man.
Always pay your tolls. Cops have quotas to meet.
Car hoods can slow you down. Get rid of them as quickly as possible.
Most problems can actually be solved with violence or, at least, the liberal application of bullets.
Russians cannot be trusted. Especially if they claim they can be trusted.
Insulting cokeheads will make them give you money.
Molotov cocktails and helicopters do not mix. Ever seen a helicopter on fire? Not a good sign.
If you want to succeed at bailing out of moving cars, avoid bailing out directly into walls.
Popping a wheelie is fun and educational. But do it too much, and the gods will punish you by throwing you off the back. Live and learn.
When trying to escape the police, airtugs do not make an ideal escape vehicle.
Of course, there’s much much more to be learned from GTA IV: the perils of steroid juicing, online dating strategies, and the socio-political history and culture of Serbia, but we’ll save those for a future installment.
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A surprising number of items in your list are equally valid when driving in Boston. I only found two that would raise an eyebrow in most natives…
By Jacob on 05.14.08 1:47 pm
Another dude riding on Doombot’s coattails, this time at McSweeney’s.
(Just kidding, he actually repackaged stuff from a GTA FAQ.)
By Jason on 05.14.08 2:14 pm
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