Favorite Lies Promoted by Tony

Vin Diesel is a stage name for actor Vincent Dieselli.

Vin Diesel is actually named Mark Vincent. Rumors that he enjoys Dungeons & Dragons, meanwhile, are actually completely true.

Tony once injured his ankle by attempting to perform a 540° indy nosebone on a skateboard he borrowed from some kids at the Fine Arts Center after he’d been playing too much Tony Hawk.

He actually injured his ankle playing frisbee. When one of our friends belatedly found out the truth, he compared this disappointing revelation to finding out about Santa. Another friend reportedly has not spoken to Tony since discovering the truth of this event.

Octopi are mammals.

A group of jolly computer nerds once created a fake online encyclopedia page to trick a friend who shall remain nameless (unless she decides to identify herself in comments here). This group changed references of “slimy” to “furry” on this faked page, among other adjustments. I’m not even sure what role Tony played in this—perhaps simply chronicler—but in telling others this story, the legend lives on.

Philadelphia was settled in the 1930s by vikings.

Philadelphia was founded in the 17th century and built around a design by William Penn—a Quaker, not a viking. Some of Tony’s other claims about Philadelphia are slightly exaggerated, though perhaps not as patently untrue as this one, such as the claim that Philadelphia is entirely steam-powered (whereas expert estimates place this at approximately 88%).

(This post has been fact-checked by Tony for accuracy in recalling lies.)

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And I know Tony wasn’t directly involved in the infamous Magical British Bear Incident of 2007, but I still feel that it deserves a mention.

Also, I would have supported the title “Lies My Tony Told Me” for this post.

My favorite part about the skateboarding one was how I almost blew it right at the outset. I think the reason Tony’s lies tend to work out so well is because they’re mostly better than actual reality.

I think Anthony has latched onto an important theme which is to say that Tony lies aren’t so much lies as creative fiction intended to fill in where reality hasn’t really pulled its weight.

Also I should probably come clean clarify that I was directly involved in the British bear incident as part of conspiracy that included family member who will not be identified in this forum.

Why must you destroy the magic?

The Magical British Bear! This is probably why I haven’t played Settlers in a year.

I know Tony’s secret, and because I’m a vindictive bastard, I will reveal all here today:

If the first word he says is “actually” nothing that follows is true.

Except the thing about octopuses. Which are mammals. I don’t care what Jason says, they have nipples and milk and live young and they are mammals. Fuck you all.

On the topic of lies, I’ll stand up and say that two of my favorite lies of all time, neither of which involve Tony, unfortunately, are about “Lieutenant Dan” Legs and “Gerald”

Okay, for the record it was “Jarold.” He’ll be pissed if he knows you’re spelling his name wrong.

I hate it when Jacob gets all uptight about octopuses. It’s all because he’s half octopus and feels like he should get special treatment for it. Especially because Jason is half Bigfoot and he doesn’t tell everyone “Fuck you all.”



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