With Tony off collecting rattlesnakes and other dangerous animals, the task of compiling your weekly list of links falls to the rest of the Doombot crew. Please to enjoy.

Things That Happened a Long Time Ago

• Lincoln’s Pocket Watch Reveals Long-Hidden Message. That message? “GO TO THE OPERA INSTEAD.”
• Female “vampire” remains unearthed in Italy. The remains had a brick inserted in the mouth, supposedly to prevent the vampire from eating her way through her burial shroud. Unfortunately, the “scientists” in question were apparently not smart enough to realize that vampires don’t leave remains, meaning the real vampire is right behind you.

Frozen Goods

• Five human heads discovered in ice chests in central Mexico. It’s a little bit like Deal or No Deal, except instead of money you get a human head. Every time.
• The $35,000 NitroCream N2-G4 is the world’s most advanced ice cream maker, perfectly recreating the signature taste that the Amish perfected over a hundred years ago.
• Maytag Recalls Refrigerators Due to Fire Hazard. To be fair, the engineers missed their first day of refrigeration design class, which contained the all-important rule “Refrigerators are about keeping things cold.”

“Don’t touch that, 007″

• One-eyed filmmaker plans to shoot documentary with a tiny camera in his prosthetic eye. Unfortunately, for the next three years he will not be able to wear sunglasses or blink.
• The Jetpack: An Idea Whose Time Has Never Come, but Won’t Go Away. Yet another another activity where years of geek anticipation end in an anticlimactic 30 seconds.
• US Forgets How To Make Trident Missiles. “This is like James Bond destroying his instructions as soon as he has read them.” Jesus Christ, this guy doesn’t know his James Bond from his Mission: Impossible. No wonder they forgot this shit.

Taking Back the Streets

• Amateur crimefighters are surging in the US. Sadly, the likes of Black Owl and Mr. Invisible do not seem to be able to do anything about the problem of severed heads in Mexico.
• Rumor: John Woo’s Stranglehold to get the film treatment. The action video game, produced by John Woo as a sequel to his classic film Hard-Boiled (starring Chow Yun-Fat), is reportedly being turned into a movie that will neither be directed by John Woo nor star Chow Yun-Fat.

YouTube Video of the Week

• 100 Movies, 100 Quotes, 100 Numbers. A parody of the AFI top 100 lists featuring movie quotes containing numbers. This gives me new impetus to complete the list of “100 Years, 100 Mustaches.”