We traveled to the furthest aisles of the internet-supermarket to bring you this, your daily recommended allowance of DOOM:  

Animal Kingdom

• New research suggest that crabs can feel pain! This make me feel slightly better about that one time a crab broke my heart. 
• Willie the Quaker parrot receives an award from the Red Cross for alerting his owner about a choking child. I hope that the award was of the edible variety otherwise this seems kinda silly. (Or it could be a big giant medal, as long as the governor has to place it around Willie’s neck!)
• A Komodo Dragon kills an Indonesian fisherman. Doombot has a long standing policy to not trifle with the world’s heaviest lizard. We refuse to even make fun of them on the internet because a) they’re dragons and b) we totally saw Reign of Fire. In the theater. With a bunch of Komodo dragons. Who were angry about the film’s anti-dragon bias.
• In other parrot news, Gordo the skateboarding parrot of Baldwin Park California has apparently been kidnapped.  (Next week’s story: rumors emerge that Tony Hawk commissioned a bird-napping,  but authorities are not sure what manner of parrot he could possibly be interested in.)

Institutional Trickery

• Everything at an Associated Supermarket tastes just like chocolate! Sloppy reuse of design templates or the most brilliant supermarket flyer ever?
• There are no vampires at Boston Latin School. You know exactly what kind of press release I’d issue if I was part of a sinister vampire conspiracy controlling private schools? 
• Microsoft sued over hostile behavior toward gay employee. Unfortunately, there appears to be some bleed-over between Microsoft employees and Xbox Live denizens. 

Gadgetry

• The new X12 stun gun freezes people from 88 feet away. I’m all for new non-lethal tools to have at our disposal, but can we give them names that don’t make them sound like a SuperSoaker? 
• A pipe flies though the windshield of a car on I-5 in Washington state. In an unrelated story, Kai has further testing to do on his pipe-shooting railgun before we bring it to market. 

YouTube Video of the Week

• Cadbury creme eggs plus Rube Goldberg machine equals pure, delicious genius.