As Tony, your usual emissary of all things doom-ish, is currently hibernating in his underground laboratory, completing plans for world domination—or possibly perfecting the Guinness Chocolate Cake—I’ve agreed to sit in for him to bring your weekly fix of, yes, DOOM.

The Black Art of Science

• Science personality Bill Nye gets booed in Texas for saying the moon doesn’t emit light. Nye subsequently threw the Texans into a logical conundrum when he calmly asked, “Well, have you ever seen green cheese emit light?”
• A fluorescent puppy is world’s first transgenic dog. Tony asks “Does the world need ‘beagles that produce a fluorescent protein that glows red under ultraviolet light’?” Unfortunately, this is merely the set-up for a future argument between Texans and Bill Nye about whether or not puppies emit light.

Law, Hold the Order

• A Wisconsin landlord demands dead victim’s late rent, fees from parents of the deceased, including an “early termination fee.” By the end of the day, the company had received Keith Olbermann’s “Worst Person of the Week” award and, when reached for comment, our lord and savior Jesus Christ added, “What the fuck, people?”
• The U.S. Supreme Court has been debating whether school strip-searching students is constitutional. Said Justice Antonin Scalia, “You’ve searched everywhere else. By God, the drugs must be in her underpants.” Court was immediately recessed, as nobody was mentally prepared for the images conjured by the words “Antonin Scalia” and “underpants” in the same sentence.
• A six-year old Norwegian boy wrote to the country’s monarch for permission to change his own name to “Sonic X,” after the video game character. The king said he couldn’t grant the request, as the boy was under 18. Personally we think that’s a little hypocritical there, Harald V.

What is Technology?

• IBM is working on a computer that may be able to beat a human at Jeopardy. Uh, are we supposed to be impressed that humans can make a machine that retains an insane amount of trivial knowledge? Call us when it does a killer Sean Connery.
• A sales bundle including a PlayStation 3, three games, and one copy of the Bible has reputedly surfaced in Poland. When reached for comment, our lord and savior Jesus Christ said, “No, seriously, what the *fuck*, people? Can’t you see I’m busy killing n00bs on XBox Live?”