Once again, I’m filling in for the inimitable Tony by bring you this week’s DOOM. Remember, folks, Doombot is 100% guaranteed not to give you the swine flu, so drink up.

Lies, Damn Lies, and Politics

• Former Secretary of State and National Security Adviser Condoleeza Rice was questioned by a Washington fourth-grader on the legitimacy of waterboarding. After Rice extensively defended the torture technique, the shocked fourth-grader shakily replied that he’d just been curious about whether she liked surfing.
• The White House has now officially joined popular social-networking sites like Facebook, MySpace, and Twitter. When asked about plans to join other social networking sites, the White House Press Secretary Robert Gibb reputedly said, “Friendster? Fuck Friendster.”

Animal House

• Residents of an Australian nursing home have been repeatedly attacked by mice, including one 89 year-old veteran who was found drenched in blood after the mice chewed at his ears, neck, and throat. Once again proving that every living thing in Australia is vicious and deadly.
• Scotland’s Edinburgh Zoo renamed its sole wolverine as “Logan” in honor of the titular character of the new Wolverine movie. Discarded plans for a proposed photo op would have included taping metal claws to the animal’s feet and gluing a cigar into its mouth. At least one of our friends thinks this is a great idea.
• A scientific study suggests that birds can dance. Their overwhelmingly favorite piece is apparently a catchy tune titled “Suck It, Dolphins.”

Night of the Dead Dead

• The New York Police discovered mummified remains in a Staten Island basement that had been sealed off for two years. Since then, three of the discovering policemen have succumbed to a general malaise of boredom and a life of crushing mediocrity, also known as the “Staten Island Curse.”
• A Modesto California woman was denied an insurance claim after it was discovered the fluid leaking into her apartment from the residence upstairs was from a decomposing corpse. Said the insurance company, “Unfortunately, the blood and bodily fluid damage to your contents is not one of the 17 named perils covered in your policy.” Oh my god, oh my god, oh my g—hey, “The 17 Named Perils” would be a great name for a band wouldn’t it—od, oh my god, oh my god.

Heartwarming YouTube Story of the Week

• A British engineer successfully delivered his baby son with help from an instructional YouTube video after the midwife and ambulance failed to arrive in time. Not for the squeamish, but here’s the video in question.