After a lengthy break, we return you to your regularly schedule Doom, already in progress:

Ectothermic Aquatic Vertebrates and the Troubles They Cause

• Mexican drug gangs continue to explore creative ways in which they might smuggle drugs into the United States. Attempting to smuggle over a ton of cocaine concealed inside the carcasses of twenty frozen sharks certainly counts as clever, but apparently not clever enough to fool the Mexican Navy, which intercepted the shipment. In other news, why are we importing so many frozen shark carcasses? 
• The animal rights group PETA is asking fishmongers at Seattle’s legendary Pike Place Fish Market to refrain from their customary tossing of fish, suggesting that the practice is cruel and that “tourists would not be nearly so eager to snap photos if dead kittens or gutted lambs were sailing over their heads.” Representatives of the local chapter of the kittenmongers’ union had no comment.

Samurai Swords!

• Some local news for the Western Massachusetts readers: a Springfield man was arrested for stabbing another man with a samurai sword. Apparently, the first man went and got his sword after the second had threatened him with a knife. When will the government finally take action on the dangerous lessons our children are learning from *Crocodile Dundee*?
• Inspired by the above incident, local journalist S.P. Sullivan has put together a convenient guide to the history of Samurai Swords and the Commonwealth of Massachusetts which, impressively, does not solely consist of the aforementioned item.

Zoo News

• Harry and Pepper, the frequently media spotlighted gay penguin couple that live at San Franscico’s zoo have reportedly split up when Harry made friends with female penguin Linda, causing Pepper to react violently. Obviously, there is a certain amount of stress and fragility that goes along with any celebrity relationship, let alone the added difficulties of being a flightless bird.
• The Denver Zoo is celebrating the birth of an Okapi! In addition to be a pretty sweet animal that looks part-giraffe and part-zebra, Okapis are notable in Crpytozoological circles as an example of a megafauna (large creature) not discovered by the western world until the 20th century.

Legal Eagles

• Fans of a complete breakfast will be shocked and/or reassured by a recent legal ruling that dismissed a complaint brought against the popular Cap’n Crunch cereal. The complainant, who had been consuming the cereal for four years, sought damages for fraud, claiming she had been led to believe that Cap’n Crunch’s Crunchberries contained actual fruit. The judge rebuffed the case with the rationale that “a reasonable consumer would not be deceived into believing that the Product in the instant case contained a fruit that does not exist.” This ruling deals a devastating blow to the continuing suit against General Mills over how *exactly* the company manages to cram all that graham into Golden Grahams.
• A Saudi family has filed suit against a genie, alleging harassment and theft. The Genie stands accused not only of throwing rocks at the family, but relatively modern types of mischief in the form of stealing cellphones, leaving threatening voicemails, and drinking all of the milk without buying a new carton. 
• U.S. Army Maj. Stefan Frederick Cook, scheduled to deploy to Afghanistan in June, is engaging in an “interesting” strategy to avoid deployment. He has filed papers saying he is not required to serve, based on Barack Obama’s ineligibility to be the President and Commander and Chief due to not being born in America. Which, arguably, makes him not the kind of army major you want to put in charge of a lot of soldiers anyway, right?