Daily Doom 9/29/09
After much delay, here is the next installment in your increasingly un-daily Daily Doom:
DOOM
- Want to feel great about life? Then don’t read this amazing report from Wired about the still active Soviet nuclear countermeasure system Perimeter—or, as it was more often known, Dead Hand. (The name choice once again reminds us that the Soviet military’s main failure was one of branding.) Perimeter is designed to launch an automatic nuclear attack on the US should the USSR be hit with a surprise attack. Of course the creators of Perimeter fell victim to a common blunder suffered by many who control doomsday devices: they’re only really effective as preventative weapons if you tell all your enemies about them. Secret doomsday devices, on the other hand, are just fucking terrifying.
- “Let pandas die out,” says naturalist Chris Packham. He argues the resources we are dedicating to save pandas would be better spent on less adorable creatures that have some chance at survival without constant human intervention. Packham happens to be president of Britain’s Bat Conservation Trust, where he is dedicated to preserving only the ugliest of bats.
Exotic New Products from our Corporate Overlords:
- Kentucky Fried Chicken introduces the new “double down” sandwich, a creation which abandons the traditional sandwich approach of using bread for, uh, bread, in favor of placing bacon and cheese between two pieces of fried chicken. Somewhere the Earl of Sandwich is rolling over in his grave as a result of a massive coronary.
- Raytheon has long been developing Silent Guardian, a pain ray intended for military use in crowd control situation, but as of last month they’ve made their first commercial sale to a private customer. For now the several million dollar price tag will keep this out of the hands of most crazies, because it’s not like private contractors would ever misuse military-grade hardware.Â
NASA’s Latest Research
- NASA may fall short on its goal to track 90% of potential doomsday asteroids by 2020, citing a need for additional funding. This goal was set by a 2005 directive from congress that all near-Earth objects 140 meters or greater in diameter be cataloged. The report on what exactly NASA would do if we found a world-threatening object hurtling in our direction has yet to be released, but sources say Bruce Willis is on speed dial.
- While NASA’s end-of-the-world-scenario-detection research isn’t doing so great, they have made bold steps forward in hoverboard technology by creating a magnetic field strong enough to levitate lab mice. Man, lab mice get to have all the fun.
Crimes Foreign and Domestic
- Italian Police have seized a crocodile from a mafia boss who allegedly used it for purposes of intimidation in protection rackets. No weapons were found in the search of the Mafioso’s villa, but how many weapons do you need on hand when you’ve got a crocodile living on your terrace?Â
- A recent study has shown that 90% of US bills have traces of cocaine on them, with 100% of bills in major cities testing positive for the drug. Compared to other foreign currencies, the US shows the highest amount of drug traces on our money, but in our defense it isn’t that everyone in the US is snorting cocaine through their money, just enough so that those people’s money has enough cocaine on it to rub off on everyone else’s money…Â