Daily Doom 9/29/09

After much delay, here is the next installment in your increasingly un-daily Daily Doom:

DOOM

  • Want to feel great about life? Then don’t read this amazing report from Wired about the still active Soviet nuclear countermeasure system Perimeter—or, as it was more often known, Dead Hand. (The name choice once again reminds us that the Soviet military’s main failure was one of branding.) Perimeter is designed to launch an automatic nuclear attack on the US should the USSR be hit with a surprise attack. Of course the creators of Perimeter fell victim to a common blunder suffered by many who control doomsday devices: they’re only really effective as preventative weapons if you tell all your enemies about them. Secret doomsday devices, on the other hand, are just fucking terrifying.
  • “Let pandas die out,” says naturalist Chris Packham. He argues the resources we are dedicating to save pandas would be better spent on less adorable creatures that have some chance at survival without constant human intervention. Packham happens to be president of Britain’s Bat Conservation Trust, where he is dedicated to preserving only the ugliest of bats.

Exotic New Products from our Corporate Overlords:

NASA’s Latest Research

Crimes Foreign and Domestic

Daily Doom 8/4/2009

Once more we keep you informed on the latest developments in robotics, wild life, computing, and human misery that foreshadow the end of the world:

Aquatic Life – Are you living every week as if it was shark week?

  • nursesharkA rider on the Miami Metro reported encountering a shark on the floor of the train, alive but not doing so great. Police later found the body of a nurse shark, at that point deceased, in the middle of the street. “I have never seen a shark in the middle of the street in Overtown, but nothing surprises me in Miami,” said Jorge Pino of the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission. I may have an elevated fear of sharks, but if I found myself in a line of work where encountering a shark in the middle of the street didn’t phase me, I would be searching for a new occupation significantly further inland. 
  • A huge mass of what scientists are calling “goo” was spotted off the coast of Alaska. The sticky blob stretches for miles with many speculating whether it was a byproduct of an oil spill or of organic origins. The amateur cryptozoologist in me hoped this might be an exciting new globster, but test later revealed it to be an unusual algae bloom. At least it quelled the fear that discarded remnants of Nickolodeon Gak had gained sentience.
  • Squid attacks in San Diego are on the rise with an influx of hundreds, if not thousands, of Humboldt squids. Normally found off the coast of Mexico, these 5-foot-long cephalopods are known for their aggressive behavior when feeding. As if a 5-foot-long aggressive squid wasn’t terrifying enough, the Humboldt squid is also know to travel in schools of up to 1,200 and “can skim over the water to escape predators.” On the upside, they are not yet known to possess Miami Metro passes.

Robots! Now more terrifying than ever

Two Stories about Consuming Gasoline in one month? 

Social Media is Nothing but Trouble

Daily Doom 7/14/2009

After a lengthy break, we return you to your regularly schedule Doom, already in progress:

Ectothermic Aquatic Vertebrates and the Troubles They Cause

Samurai Swords!

Zoo News

Legal Eagles

Daily Doom 6/1/2009

The arrival of June brings with it another dose of Doom:

Animal Kingdom

Weekly Tips: Preparing for The Apocalypse

Internet Happenings

  • Wikipedia bans the Church of Scientology. In a high level meeting attended by only the top dungeon masters in the world, Wikipedia’s Arbitration Committee—or ArbCom—voted to ban Church of Scientology members from editing Wikipedia. Now without an Internet home, Tom Cruise is left to personally—personally—wander IRC channels spreading the good word.  

Comic Bookery

  • Marvel Comics hopes to appeal to young girls, not part of their traditional fan base, with a new series of comics in which the main character are models who solve crime!  The covers of the issues will be modeled after the covers of fashion magazines and generally serve to alienate the few female readers Marvel already has. Editor-in-chief Joe Quesada promises that no matter what, Marvel will not resort to hiring an actual female employee in its attempts to understand the demographic. 

Daily Doom 5/26/2009

A day late and a dollar short, it’s your weekly installment of doom: 

Politicking 

Man vs. Machine

Zombie News

Who will speak for the Children?

YouTube Video of the Week:

Daily Doom 5/18/09

After a brief hiatus, we bring you a much needed helping of doom:

Robotic Revolution

Who Exactly is Fighting the Terrorists? 

The Internet: Your Friend and Mine

Crime and sometimes Punishment

Daily Doom 5/4/09

Once again, I’m filling in for the inimitable Tony by bring you this week’s DOOM. Remember, folks, Doombot is 100% guaranteed not to give you the swine flu, so drink up.

Lies, Damn Lies, and Politics

Animal House

  • Residents of an Australian nursing home have been repeatedly attacked by mice, including one 89 year-old veteran who was found drenched in blood after the mice chewed at his ears, neck, and throat. Once again proving that every living thing in Australia is vicious and deadly.
  • Scotland’s Edinburgh Zoo renamed its sole wolverine as “Logan” in honor of the titular character of the new Wolverine movie. Discarded plans for a proposed photo op would have included taping metal claws to the animal’s feet and gluing a cigar into its mouth. At least one of our friends thinks this is a great idea.
  • A scientific study suggests that birds can dance. Their overwhelmingly favorite piece is apparently a catchy tune titled “Suck It, Dolphins.”

Night of the Dead Dead

Heartwarming YouTube Story of the Week

Daily Doom 4/27/09

As Tony, your usual emissary of all things doom-ish, is currently hibernating in his underground laboratory, completing plans for world domination—or possibly perfecting the Guinness Chocolate Cake—I’ve agreed to sit in for him to bring your weekly fix of, yes, DOOM.

The Black Art of Science

Law, Hold the Order

  • A Wisconsin landlord demands dead victim’s late rent, fees from parents of the deceased, including an “early termination fee.” By the end of the day, the company had received Keith Olbermann’s “Worst Person of the Week” award and, when reached for comment, our lord and savior Jesus Christ added, “What the fuck, people?”
  • The U.S. Supreme Court has been debating whether school strip-searching students is constitutional. Said Justice Antonin Scalia, “You’ve searched everywhere else. By God, the drugs must be in her underpants.” Court was immediately recessed, as nobody was mentally prepared for the images conjured by the words “Antonin Scalia” and “underpants” in the same sentence.
  • A six-year old Norwegian boy wrote to the country’s monarch for permission to change his own name to “Sonic X,” after the video game character. The king said he couldn’t grant the request, as the boy was under 18. Personally we think that’s a little hypocritical there, Harald V.

What is Technology?

Daily Doom 4/20/09

Just in time for Patriot’s Day, some more DOOM.

Political Intrigue

Crime and Punishment

Design and Type

Stellar Conflict

Military Hardware

Daily Doom 4/14/09

Somewhat late, but still packed with despair and misery: your daily doom.

 Don’t Mess with Large Animals

Rap Battlin’

Air Travel

The Oldest Professions