DOOM

• Want to feel great about life? Then don’t read this amazing report from Wired about the still active Soviet nuclear countermeasure system Perimeter—or, as it was more often known, Dead Hand. (The name choice once again reminds us that the Soviet military’s main failure was one of branding.) Perimeter is designed to launch an automatic nuclear attack on the US should the USSR be hit with a surprise attack. Of course the creators of Perimeter fell victim to a common blunder suffered by many who control doomsday devices: they’re only really effective as preventative weapons if you tell all your enemies about them. Secret doomsday devices, on the other hand, are just fucking terrifying.
• “Let pandas die out,” says naturalist Chris Packham. He argues the resources we are dedicating to save pandas would be better spent on less adorable creatures that have some chance at survival without constant human intervention. Packham happens to be president of Britain’s Bat Conservation Trust, where he is dedicated to preserving only the ugliest of bats.

Exotic New Products from our Corporate Overlords:

• Kentucky Fried Chicken introduces the new “double down” sandwich, a creation which abandons the traditional sandwich approach of using bread for, uh, bread, in favor of placing bacon and cheese between two pieces of fried chicken. Somewhere the Earl of Sandwich is rolling over in his grave as a result of a massive coronary.
• Raytheon has long been developing Silent Guardian, a pain ray intended for military use in crowd control situation, but as of last month they’ve made their first commercial sale to a private customer. For now the several million dollar price tag will keep this out of the hands of most crazies, because it’s not like private contractors would ever misuse military-grade hardware. 

NASA’s Latest Research

• NASA may fall short on its goal to track 90% of potential doomsday asteroids by 2020, citing a need for additional funding. This goal was set by a 2005 directive from congress that all near-Earth objects 140 meters or greater in diameter be cataloged. The report on what exactly NASA would do if we found a world-threatening object hurtling in our direction has yet to be released, but sources say Bruce Willis is on speed dial.
• While NASA’s end-of-the-world-scenario-detection research isn’t doing so great, they have made bold steps forward in hoverboard technology by creating a magnetic field strong enough to levitate lab mice. Man, lab mice get to have all the fun.

Crimes Foreign and Domestic

• Italian Police have seized a crocodile from a mafia boss who allegedly used it for purposes of intimidation in protection rackets. No weapons were found in the search of the Mafioso’s villa, but how many weapons do you need on hand when you’ve got a crocodile living on your terrace? 
• A recent study has shown that 90% of US bills have traces of cocaine on them, with 100% of bills in major cities testing positive for the drug. Compared to other foreign currencies, the US shows the highest amount of drug traces on our money, but in our defense it isn’t that everyone in the US is snorting cocaine through their money, just enough so that those people’s money has enough cocaine on it to rub off on everyone else’s money… 

Aquatic Life – Are you living every week as if it was shark week?

• A rider on the Miami Metro reported encountering a shark on the floor of the train, alive but not doing so great. Police later found the body of a nurse shark, at that point deceased, in the middle of the street. “I have never seen a shark in the middle of the street in Overtown, but nothing surprises me in Miami,” said Jorge Pino of the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission. I may have an elevated fear of sharks, but if I found myself in a line of work where encountering a shark in the middle of the street didn’t phase me, I would be searching for a new occupation significantly further inland. 
• A huge mass of what scientists are calling “goo” was spotted off the coast of Alaska. The sticky blob stretches for miles with many speculating whether it was a byproduct of an oil spill or of organic origins. The amateur cryptozoologist in me hoped this might be an exciting new globster, but test later revealed it to be an unusual algae bloom. At least it quelled the fear that discarded remnants of Nickolodeon Gak had gained sentience.
• Squid attacks in San Diego are on the rise with an influx of hundreds, if not thousands, of Humboldt squids. Normally found off the coast of Mexico, these 5-foot-long cephalopods are known for their aggressive behavior when feeding. As if a 5-foot-long aggressive squid wasn’t terrifying enough, the Humboldt squid is also know to travel in schools of up to 1,200 and “can skim over the water to escape predators.” On the upside, they are not yet known to possess Miami Metro passes.

Robots! Now more terrifying than ever

• Robotic Technology Inc. recently unveiled the EATR, an autonomous robot capable of sustaining itself on organic matter it would locate in the environment. Many stories about this new device reported that it could consume human remains, making it potentially useful in battlefield situations. The company has since clarified that the EATR is strictly vegetarian and will not be eating corpses. This is of course exactly the press release I would put out if I was in charge of a company that was leading the way in flesh-eating robots. 
• Japan’s National Institute of Advanced Industrial Science and Technology model HRP-4C  appeared at a fashion show modeling a wedding dress. Because, of course, the only thing more terrifying than a flesh-eating robot is commitment. 

Two Stories about Consuming Gasoline in one month? 

• A 36-year-old Australian man burst into flames when police attempted to subdue him with a Taser. The man has apparently been huffing gasoline and the fumes he had absorbed were ignited by the Taser. It’s an extremely unlikely occurrence, but how long before this mechanic turns up in some first-person shooter?
• A 14-year-old boy in Shanghai has been drinking gasoline to emulate his heros, Optimus Prime and Bumblebee of the Transformers. We’d mock the choice of Bumblebee as a hero, but the scarier story is that the kid was doing this for 5 years without his parents’ knowledge. Maybe turn off the *Transformers* and spend some time with your son, folks.

Social Media is Nothing but Trouble

• A tweet complaining about mold in an apartment may cost a Twitter user $50,000 in damages for libel. However, Horizon Realty is really thinking long term here by creating an incident that is receiving national coverage and by issuing a quote saying: “We’re a sue first, ask questions later kind of an organization.” 
• Kelly Hildebrandt found another Kelly Hildebrandt through Facebook, and in a move that will inevitably make the rest of their lives complicated whenever they need to fill out paperwork, they’ve fallen in love and are engaged to marry. One question: who takes whose name?
• A son plotted to kill his adoptive parents with assistance from a friend he met over the Internet. Simple homicide wouldn’t usually merit Daily Doom attention, but in this case the son and his intended partner-in-crime met through a website dedicated to Furries and the reward for carrying out the murder was to be an extreme sex act creepy enough that we’re not going to mention it here. 

Ectothermic Aquatic Vertebrates and the Troubles They Cause

• Mexican drug gangs continue to explore creative ways in which they might smuggle drugs into the United States. Attempting to smuggle over a ton of cocaine concealed inside the carcasses of twenty frozen sharks certainly counts as clever, but apparently not clever enough to fool the Mexican Navy, which intercepted the shipment. In other news, why are we importing so many frozen shark carcasses? 
• The animal rights group PETA is asking fishmongers at Seattle’s legendary Pike Place Fish Market to refrain from their customary tossing of fish, suggesting that the practice is cruel and that “tourists would not be nearly so eager to snap photos if dead kittens or gutted lambs were sailing over their heads.” Representatives of the local chapter of the kittenmongers’ union had no comment.

Samurai Swords!

• Some local news for the Western Massachusetts readers: a Springfield man was arrested for stabbing another man with a samurai sword. Apparently, the first man went and got his sword after the second had threatened him with a knife. When will the government finally take action on the dangerous lessons our children are learning from *Crocodile Dundee*?
• Inspired by the above incident, local journalist S.P. Sullivan has put together a convenient guide to the history of Samurai Swords and the Commonwealth of Massachusetts which, impressively, does not solely consist of the aforementioned item.

Zoo News

• Harry and Pepper, the frequently media spotlighted gay penguin couple that live at San Franscico’s zoo have reportedly split up when Harry made friends with female penguin Linda, causing Pepper to react violently. Obviously, there is a certain amount of stress and fragility that goes along with any celebrity relationship, let alone the added difficulties of being a flightless bird.
• The Denver Zoo is celebrating the birth of an Okapi! In addition to be a pretty sweet animal that looks part-giraffe and part-zebra, Okapis are notable in Crpytozoological circles as an example of a megafauna (large creature) not discovered by the western world until the 20th century.

Legal Eagles

• Fans of a complete breakfast will be shocked and/or reassured by a recent legal ruling that dismissed a complaint brought against the popular Cap’n Crunch cereal. The complainant, who had been consuming the cereal for four years, sought damages for fraud, claiming she had been led to believe that Cap’n Crunch’s Crunchberries contained actual fruit. The judge rebuffed the case with the rationale that “a reasonable consumer would not be deceived into believing that the Product in the instant case contained a fruit that does not exist.” This ruling deals a devastating blow to the continuing suit against General Mills over how *exactly* the company manages to cram all that graham into Golden Grahams.
• A Saudi family has filed suit against a genie, alleging harassment and theft. The Genie stands accused not only of throwing rocks at the family, but relatively modern types of mischief in the form of stealing cellphones, leaving threatening voicemails, and drinking all of the milk without buying a new carton. 
• U.S. Army Maj. Stefan Frederick Cook, scheduled to deploy to Afghanistan in June, is engaging in an “interesting” strategy to avoid deployment. He has filed papers saying he is not required to serve, based on Barack Obama’s ineligibility to be the President and Commander and Chief due to not being born in America. Which, arguably, makes him not the kind of army major you want to put in charge of a lot of soldiers anyway, right?

Animal Kingdom

• Genetically modified monkeys that glow green and pass the trait on to their offspring could aid the fight against human disease. Also scientists just really like to make animals glow in the dark.
• A Chinese cat has grown wings! Once again, humans lose another step in our attempt to stay ahead of the evolutionary curve. Curse Darwin for ever inventing evolution!
• Animals can tell right from wrong. Scientists studying animal behavior believe they have growing evidence that species ranging from mice to primates are governed by moral codes of conduct in the same way as humans. Further proof that sharks are assholes. 

Weekly Tips: Preparing for The Apocalypse

• Step 1: Acclimate yourself to eating the flesh of the walking dead with this Zombie Gelatin Mold from ThinkGeek!
• Step 2: Make sure your 10 month old baby has a gun permit—offer only valid in Illinois. 
• Step 3: Hunt down and destroy these 6 modern day robots that are itching for an uprising. 

Internet Happenings

• Wikipedia bans the Church of Scientology. In a high level meeting attended by only the top dungeon masters in the world, Wikipedia’s Arbitration Committee—or ArbCom—voted to ban Church of Scientology members from editing Wikipedia. Now without an Internet home, Tom Cruise is left to personally—personally—wander IRC channels spreading the good word.  

Comic Bookery

• Marvel Comics hopes to appeal to young girls, not part of their traditional fan base, with a new series of comics in which the main character are models who solve crime!  The covers of the issues will be modeled after the covers of fashion magazines and generally serve to alienate the few female readers Marvel already has. Editor-in-chief Joe Quesada promises that no matter what, Marvel will not resort to hiring an actual female employee in its attempts to understand the demographic. 

Politicking 

• Gambia’s leader—who demands to being called His Excellency President Professor Dr. Al-Haji Yahya Jammeh, and who has proposed an “herbs-and-banana cure for AIDS” and the beheading of gays—has now initiated “dragnets” on witches and evil sorcerors, killing six so far. Things that sound like they should be in The Onion are actually pretty terrifying when they come from The New York Times.
• Nebraska, (a state known most for corn and, um, more corn, and maybe soy beans? ) has been pwned by the internet in their selection of a new license plate. CollegeHumor.com led a campaign to stuff the ballot boxes sticking Nebraska with a “boring license plate.” 

Man vs. Machine

• Do you trust elevators? Maybe you shouldn’t. A Houston doctor was decapitated by a malfunctioning elevator, one of the roughly 30 elevator related fatalities that happen in the United States each year. 
• In 1912, Franz Reichelt attempted to test the latest innovation in parachuting: the parachute jacket. It didn’t work. Unfortunately, he decided to test it by leaping from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Zombie News

• Residents of Boston (Headquarters of Doombot East) can feel safe and secure in the knowledge that the Boston Police Department will not hesitate to notify you of a Zombie apocalypse via Twitter. 
• Corpses are rotting more slowly than they used to – is it because we have less bacteria on our bodies due to diet, or imminent zombie apocalypse? The Boy Scout in me says prepare for both. 

Who will speak for the Children?

• Parents struggling to get their kids to revise in the run-up to exams can now keep them at their desk using a ball and chain that only unlocks when they have studied for long enough. “Study Ball helps you study more and more efficiently.” I can only hope that no one buy this with the sincere intent of using it on their children.  
• In response to a grade school student committing suicide after being banned from gaming by his father, Thai courts have closed 72 gaming and gambling websites—presumably, the next step in a much grander social experiment on the widespread effects of game deprivation.

YouTube Video of the Week:

• This unbelievable 1985 commercial for the Plymouth Duster starring Finola Hughes and every ’80s cliche.   “We cannot parody the ’80s. The people of the ’80s did it all first, in this one commercial.”

Robotic Revolution

• Japan’s Port of Yokohama is celebrating its 150th anniversary this year, and is opting for the tradition manner of celebrating a sesquicentennial: Giant Robot Spiders from France!
• The first signs of robotic dissent manifest as a Swedish factory is fined 25,000 kronor (~$3,000 US) for a robot that attacked a worker. We here at Doombot consider this a small price to pay if it sows the seeds of liberty. Viva la revolution! (Somewhere, Isaac Asimov is laughing it up, saying, “I told you, suckers!”) 

Who Exactly is Fighting the Terrorists? 

• Four US contractors working for Xe (the  company formerly known as Blackwater Inc.) are in the news this week for firing on civilians in Afghanistan.  The contractors were off duty but still carrying their automatic weapons, and apparently drinking. Let this serve as a lesson about spreading democracy as well as a reminder that branding is about more than just a name… 
• The Explorers, a group affiliated with the Boy Scouts of America, is training teenagers (as young as 14) how to fight the war on terror and the war on drugs. Because the Boy Scouts of America was not already scary enough with their pseudo-military, “we are true Americans” rhetoric. 

The Internet: Your Friend and Mine

• Amazon leverages the power of its customers to write product reviews. After reading these reviews of a totally sweet Wolf T-Shirt how can you not buy it? Seriously, read the reviews. 
• Michael Lynton, CEO of Sony Pictures Entertainment, said, “I’m a guy who doesn’t see anything good having come from the Internet. Period.” Not only should this guy probably not be CEO of anything at Sony, his staff should probably stop printing out all his emails for him and calling them faxes. 

Crime and sometimes Punishment

• Walter Schmidt, not the smartest prison official in the world, decided it would be a good idea to show visiting children how a stun gun works by using it on ONE OF THE CHILDREN. Walter Schmidt is not only devoid of common sense to the point of thinking this was a reasonable idea, he was also surprised when he was fired on account of it. 

Lies, Damn Lies, and Politics

• Former Secretary of State and National Security Adviser Condoleeza Rice was questioned by a Washington fourth-grader on the legitimacy of waterboarding. After Rice extensively defended the torture technique, the shocked fourth-grader shakily replied that he’d just been curious about whether she liked surfing.
• The White House has now officially joined popular social-networking sites like Facebook, MySpace, and Twitter. When asked about plans to join other social networking sites, the White House Press Secretary Robert Gibb reputedly said, “Friendster? Fuck Friendster.”

Animal House

• Residents of an Australian nursing home have been repeatedly attacked by mice, including one 89 year-old veteran who was found drenched in blood after the mice chewed at his ears, neck, and throat. Once again proving that every living thing in Australia is vicious and deadly.
• Scotland’s Edinburgh Zoo renamed its sole wolverine as “Logan” in honor of the titular character of the new Wolverine movie. Discarded plans for a proposed photo op would have included taping metal claws to the animal’s feet and gluing a cigar into its mouth. At least one of our friends thinks this is a great idea.
• A scientific study suggests that birds can dance. Their overwhelmingly favorite piece is apparently a catchy tune titled “Suck It, Dolphins.”

Night of the Dead Dead

• The New York Police discovered mummified remains in a Staten Island basement that had been sealed off for two years. Since then, three of the discovering policemen have succumbed to a general malaise of boredom and a life of crushing mediocrity, also known as the “Staten Island Curse.”
• A Modesto California woman was denied an insurance claim after it was discovered the fluid leaking into her apartment from the residence upstairs was from a decomposing corpse. Said the insurance company, “Unfortunately, the blood and bodily fluid damage to your contents is not one of the 17 named perils covered in your policy.” Oh my god, oh my god, oh my g—hey, “The 17 Named Perils” would be a great name for a band wouldn’t it—od, oh my god, oh my god.

Heartwarming YouTube Story of the Week

• A British engineer successfully delivered his baby son with help from an instructional YouTube video after the midwife and ambulance failed to arrive in time. Not for the squeamish, but here’s the video in question.

The Black Art of Science

• Science personality Bill Nye gets booed in Texas for saying the moon doesn’t emit light. Nye subsequently threw the Texans into a logical conundrum when he calmly asked, “Well, have you ever seen green cheese emit light?”
• A fluorescent puppy is world’s first transgenic dog. Tony asks “Does the world need ‘beagles that produce a fluorescent protein that glows red under ultraviolet light’?” Unfortunately, this is merely the set-up for a future argument between Texans and Bill Nye about whether or not puppies emit light.

Law, Hold the Order

• A Wisconsin landlord demands dead victim’s late rent, fees from parents of the deceased, including an “early termination fee.” By the end of the day, the company had received Keith Olbermann’s “Worst Person of the Week” award and, when reached for comment, our lord and savior Jesus Christ added, “What the fuck, people?”
• The U.S. Supreme Court has been debating whether school strip-searching students is constitutional. Said Justice Antonin Scalia, “You’ve searched everywhere else. By God, the drugs must be in her underpants.” Court was immediately recessed, as nobody was mentally prepared for the images conjured by the words “Antonin Scalia” and “underpants” in the same sentence.
• A six-year old Norwegian boy wrote to the country’s monarch for permission to change his own name to “Sonic X,” after the video game character. The king said he couldn’t grant the request, as the boy was under 18. Personally we think that’s a little hypocritical there, Harald V.

What is Technology?

• IBM is working on a computer that may be able to beat a human at Jeopardy. Uh, are we supposed to be impressed that humans can make a machine that retains an insane amount of trivial knowledge? Call us when it does a killer Sean Connery.
• A sales bundle including a PlayStation 3, three games, and one copy of the Bible has reputedly surfaced in Poland. When reached for comment, our lord and savior Jesus Christ said, “No, seriously, what the *fuck*, people? Can’t you see I’m busy killing n00bs on XBox Live?”

Political Intrigue

• A Louisiana Representative prepares a state bill that would ban human animal hybrids. Is the government finally catching up to the modern world, or simply denying our constitutional right to have children with Wolverine claws? 
• Texas Governor Rick Perry says secession may be in the state’s future. Chuck Norris’s comments that he would be interested in the position of president of a seceded Texas fall into the “you’re really not helping” category. 

Crime and Punishment

• Devious carrier pigeons smuggle cellphone components to Brazilian jails.  The bird was intercepted by police amazingly. This is probably only a few plot adjustments away from being the perfect Disney movie (step one: maybe change the locale to something other than a prison?)
• A Swedish court finds popular BitTorrent site The Pirate Bay guilty and imprisons four creators. The defendant reject the conclusion that their action constitute organized crime saying “The court said we were organised. I can’t get Gottfrid out of bed in the morning. If you’re going to convict us, convict us of disorganised crime.”

Design and Type

• The history of the despised font that is Comic Sans. Says the creator of the font: ”If you love it, you don’t know much about typography.” But, he adds, “if you hate it, you really don’t know much about typography, either, and you should get another hobby.”
• Amusingly defaced street signs. We don’t usually support vandalism here at doombot, except in cases like these when it is AWESOME! 
• 50 Years of Stupid Grammar Advice. The linguistic equivalent of people ranting about continuity errors in Star Wars. 

Stellar Conflict

• Eight Scottish police officers have identified their official religion as Jedi on surveys intended to measure diversity. Probably not the diversity they were looking for. Move along. 
• Star Wars/MacGyver mashup, because cheezy 80s stock music can destroy just about everything. 

Military Hardware

• What is an Autonomous Rotorcraft Sniper System exactly? Basically a helicopter with a .388 rifle remotely operated using an XBox 360 controller. Someday the ol’ R&D department really has to tempt that robot uprising…
• The Pentagon announce the EXACTO rifle, a sniper rifle intended for use at ranges not possible with current technology. Featuring the crazy science fiction technology of bullets that will change shape to adjust to weather conditions. How much more crazy awesome will this super gun be? ”Specific system performance objectives (e.g., range, accuracy and target speed) are classified.” 

 Don’t Mess with Large Animals

• One of the more terrifying images I have seen recently comes from a woman who took it upon herself to enter the polar bear cage at the Berlin Zoo during feeding time.  The woman survived the encounter. Unfortunate, but at the same time, she essentially fought a pack of polar bears and made it away alive, so seems like she might be on borrowed time?
• Monster Cables, noteworthy for making comically overpriced cables, is apparently willing to sue anyone who dares use the word ‘monster’. If you can’t wins the hearts and minds of the people with your overpriced garbage, suing people out of existence continues to be a valid business model. 

Rap Battlin’

• Kayne West writes that “South Park murdered me last night” and goes on to discuss how he’s been trying to keep his ego in check. Take note that All Caps continues to be the classiest way to really open up to your fans.  Remember: “I JUST WANNA BE A DOPER PERSON WHICH STARTS WITH ME NOT ALWAYS TELLING PEOPLE HOW DOPE I THINK I AM. ”
• How often do flaming garbage cans appear in hip hop videos? Once again a blog comes through to answer the hard questions that mainstream media simply ignores. 

Air Travel

• Coming soon to your local airport: Live uncensored nudes! Featuring you and you co-passengers. Brought to you by an invasive new scanning technology that the TSA isn’t being very straightforward about when they will and will not use. 
• A 31 year-old Canadian engaged in perhaps the most convoluted suicide attempt ever, flying a stolen Cessna across the Midwest in the hopes he’d be shot down. Probably would have worked, too, if he’d tried it three months ago. Instead, he just led the US Air Force on a six-hour chase, only to surrender in a Missouri grocery store without incident.

The Oldest Professions

• The Swedish tax office is targeting earnings made by webcam strippers. This is apparently part of an operation that is also looking at online poker. Dag Hardyson, lead investigator on these issues, claims that manually searching for these sites is necessary and automated tools are not useful. Yeah… 
• Despite all the Rickrolling of last year, songwriter Peter Waterman got paid only $16 from YouTube leading him to complain that he has been exploited by Google. Only $16? Confusing, but perhaps this video will explain the situation better.