Dan’s recent post on hoverboards, combined with Tony’s recent addition of an entire blog category on cake, has made me realize something: If Doombot is ever to be a destination on the web for hoverboard enthusiasts (as our keyword referrals and 14-page Google position indicate may be our destiny), we need an entire category on hoverboards. So I made that, just now.

Now, on a tangential note, I’d like to tell you about the grassroots campaign to get Nike to mass produce the McFly 2015, also known as the sneakers Michael J. Fox wears in Back to the Future II.

At Online Fandom, Dr. Nancy Baym notes that her earlier post on the shoe was one of her most read posts to date, suggesting that the popularity of hoverboards among internet surfers may well extend to this futuristic shoe. (Perhaps I should retitle this category, “The Year 2015″..?) More recently, she offers an update to comment on how Nike made a shoe sort of like the one in the movie, but not enough like it to appease fans.

Nevertheless, I find this news promising. Sooner or later Nike will move on from these “Hyperdunk” sneakers and get the self-lacing McFly model correct; then, we might see self-drying jackets; and finally, after this, functional hoverboards. Cross your fingers, everybody (for seven years or so, just to be safe).

In our continuing self-appointed duty to bring you all the news that is fit to electronically print about our favorite cryptotechnological means of conveyance, I just wanted to point out to you that one lucky person will be able to take home the actual hoverboard used in Back to the Future II. Along with a handful of other rare artifacts such as the Holy Fucking Grail, it’s being auctioned off on July 31st. Granted, you’ll need to pony up $30,000—but come on, I mean, a hoverboard pays for itself, amirite?

There’s kind of a cruel bent to this auction. I mean, selling of C-3PO’s feet? And what about Geordi’s visor; how’s the poor guy going to see? Why don’t you auction off Stephen Hawking’s wheelchair while you’re at it?

Oh man, it’s an embarrassment of riches, though: I mean, The Rocketeer’s helmet? Kirk’s phaser? A Tusken Raider costume from…Attack of the Clones? Ew. Lame.

Unfortunately, I suspect I’ll be missing the event, as I’ll be busy helping some jackass unload his moving van. But if anybody is looking for something to commemorate a certain blog’s upcoming fifth anniversary (hiatuses not included), well, I’m just sayin’.

In our continuing coverage of all things hoverboard (a topic that our demographics clearly show that readers crave), we bring you the latest developments in hover technology.

Researchers at Cornell University—my alma mater, no less!—have apparently managed to pair superconductors with magnets in order to make hovering vehicles theoretically possible. Of course, science is not without its catches: in order for this to work, the temperature needs to be under -300°F. If you’re wondering, the coldest temperature ever measured on Earth was apparently -129°F, so seriously, people: it’s time we start doing something about this global warming shit. If we keep going the way we are now, we’ll never have hover vehicles. Then what will you tell your children? “Sorry Bobby, but because I couldn’t go without driving my Hummer to the corner store, you can’t have a hoverboard for Christmas. Because they don’t exist.” I hope you enjoy having your children grow up hating you with every fiber of their being.

Anyway, if I can earmark my donation for hoverboard research, I might actually consider giving money to my college for once. Let’s see: I’ve got about two dollars in change in my pocket…and some lint. I expect return on my investment. You’ve got seven years.

I tried installing Google Analytics on Doombot’s front page so we could get a sense of who’s actually reading the site. I’ll be honest: I probably failed. Our hosting company provides software to keep track of page requests, but it doesn’t really track unique visitors, and the page requests are really dominated by spam bots. I will say, however, that it is totally awesome to see which search terms bring people here:

Listing the top 20 queries by the number of requests, sorted by the number of requests.

reqs search term

21 doombot 9 hover board 6 firefly online game 5 hoverboard 5 hoverboards 4 innocent prey 4 how to build a hoverboard 4 wii 3 enoch root 3 wii help cat 3 the wire hbo 3 mattel hoverboard 3 gears of war short 3 what makes a good game 2 duck billed platypus mammals 2 built by wendy kathleen hanna 2 sukia tercer sexo review -amazon 2 phentermine online site:www.thephenterminepharmacy.com 2 gears of war water polo sharks 2 hbo wire

Dan probably didn’t realize that this post would be such an online sensation, but apparently the netizens need their hoverboards. I’m especially proud that we came up for “what makes a good game” and “sukia tercer sexo review” (without those dirty, dirty Amazon results), and I hope our writings on these matters have been helpful for you intrepid searchers.

Also, I have absolutely no idea who was searching for Gears of War and Water Polo Sharks at the same time, but I must admit that I’m impressed that we were able to accommodate you.

So, either we’re 17 years behind schedule or 9 years ahead of schedule. I’m not quite sure. Either way, I fully expect—demand, really— that the kinks be worked out of Hammacher Schlemmer’s Hover Scooter by 2015, so that I can finally cross off at least one of my childhood dreams (funders have unceremoniously rejected my plans to build a LazerTag arena, complete with bicycle ramps).

If you were a kid when Back to the Future II came out, you almost certainly heard the urban legend that Mattel had actually made hoverboards, though they couldn’t release them due to safety concerns. I remember spending hours daydreaming about how the hoverboard would work: where was its on/off switch? How would you control it? Did it come in colors other than pink and blue? Though Snopes debunks the rumor, its analysis leads me to conclude largely that Robert Zemeckis has been crushing childrens’ dreams since long before The Polar Express.

Robert Zemeckis, the film’s director and special effects genius, became fed up with people asking him how the hoverboard sequences were done, and, according to Michael J. Fox, he began answering, “What do you mean, how did we do it? It’s a real hover-board. It flies. Michael [J. Fox] just practiced a lot.” His exasperation-fueled flippancy only served to heighten the rumor; now even the director was confirming it!

The hoverboard’s failure to appear on toy store shelves was attributed to pressure brought to bear upon Mattel by parents’ groups concerned for the safety of children, and once again Zemeckis was right there to stir the pot: “Hoverboards have been around for years, but parents’ groups worry that kids will get hurt, so they’ve pressured the toy companies not to put them on the market,” he said. “We got our hands on some.”

Don’t you understand that we’re talking about people’s feelings, Bob? Their hopes and dreams? Maybe next you’ll tell us that Forrest Gump wasn’t real, just another figment of your power-induced imagination. Whatever, man.

I do, however, enjoy the temerity of the online order page, which blithely asks: “How many?” Granted, if you can afford one of the $17k hover scooters—say, if your intials happen to be R.Z., and you’re a fairly successful, if heartlessly cruel film director—you can probably afford two (unless you, like me, have been carefully putting all your spare change into a jar marked ‘Hoverboard Collection Fund’ since 1989). And fortunately, they’re offered in four colors, so you don’t get yours confused with your next-door neighbor’s hover scooter. Okay, Hammacher-Schlemmer, so you’ve got the hoverboard started. Any progress on that time-traveling DeLorean? Maybe you could start with a Pinto or something. No pressure.

Of course, unless Zemeckis lets me drive his, I’m probably going to need a bigger change jar.